Survival Doesn't Exist On Hope Alone
by Miss-shiva-adler
Summary: Alicante has fallen. The shadowhunter institutes are in lockdown, fighting off the plague that came from the bacteriological bomb that was dropped over San-Francisco three years prior. It is a nightmare and it just became a lot worse for Isabelle Lightwood who is about to lose another person she loves.


**Week 1:** Bad Decisions Were Made – Frigthened Fall Fic 2019

**Title:** Survival Doesn't Exist On Hope Alone  
**Rating:** Mature  
**Ship:** Clizzy

**Summary:** Alicante has fallen. The shadowhunter institutes are in lockdown trying to fight off the plague that came from the bacteriological bomb that was dropped over San-Francisco three years prior. The few last remaining shadowhunters try to do what they know to do best: save the innocent and brave unimaginable danger. It is a nightmare and it just became a lot worse for Isabelle Lightwood who is about to lose another person she loves.

**Tags:** Major Character death, zombie apocalypse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, parabatai feels, implied suicide, doom thinking, body horror, mention of amputation, angst, blood and violence, implicit ending, bad guys live and the good guys died, half of your favs are dead,

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*Packs out bags* Hello dear fandom, I'm here to cater to rarepairs and kinks. I'm super excited to share this first shadowhunters fanfiction with y'all. I don't hesitate to write angst and to kill if it's the kind of story I want to tell.

It is Halloween and I wanted to bring angst and horror, someone said there is not enough of those things for shadowhunters so here I am. Be mindful of the tags for this fic because your fav is probably dead and the character you hate is probably alive and kicking.

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She was drifting. Not sure if she even slept. When she openes her eyes she was met with the dimmed light on her night stand. Her nap had surprisingly lasted 47 minutes. She rolled over, grabbing the holopad she had let slip from her hands on the pillow next to her. The flashing red was still omnipresent. She groaned. The situation hadn't changed.

Fuck.

She got up, changed shirts and grabbed her glasses before leaving her room. She checked the reports as she was making her way down the hallway. The results of the latest lab experiments of LA had shown up inconclusive yet again. The latest hunts had killed another taskforce over there. She reviewed the personnel log files. She wasn't sure she would be able to transfer anyone again soon. There were so few of them left. Damned, abandoning another institute was a step backwards and it wasn't a step she was ready to take.

"Ma'am, I- " she looked up from her glasses and interrupted Coldridge immediately.

"Has there been another sweep of the southern perimeter ?" She knew she sounded harsh. But this was better than before her nap. Before her nap she would have been disproportionately annoyed and dry.

"We found nothing an hour ago." The man fidgeted. He was wondering if he was in trouble. He wasn't. Isabelle never had been the punishing kind. There was no space for sanctions anymore. Rule breakers were transferred to other institutes. There hadn't been any rule breakers nor traitors for months now, there hadn't been any space for those in years.

"Do it again, I want to know where our taskforce is. They cannot possibly have vanished from the earth." Of course she was on edge. Her voice was betraying her worry. But they were all like family now. It wasn't a weakness to show you cared. Emotions were welcome, if they were dosed correctly. Coldridge nodded and dived back to work at his station. Hopefully he would find something this time. She dismissed her holopad on the table. Magnus was staring at the map on the screen. He looked intense and tired. They were all tired. Tired of grieving, tired of losing, tired of dying.

"Magnus, status report." She readjusted her glasses and tried to stare at the same area he was looking at.

"Nothing," his voice was low. He scrolled over the map. There was only one satellite still working and everyone had to take turns to get real-time maps of their areas. The time escalation had lowered to 7 minutes per update. It wasn't fast enough and not as fast as Isabelle liked. But it was better than nothing. "No warlock has portalled back and I can't find any trace of magic in the perimeter or on the ley lines." He tapped his fingers over the table. There were times he didn't even glamour his eyes anymore. But not today.

"Please check again," she sighed, zooming in where the team had last given their position before they had vanished from their radar. It had been just a simple patrol. Nothing more. It should have been just a routine check. Clary had insisted she needed to be on the terrain again. To breathe a bit fresh air or what was left of it. Isabelle had given her approval to leave. She was starting to wonder whether she should have done.

"Isabelle, I understand you are worried." Magnus turned toward her. His expression was very serious. "So are we all, but I don't think an extensive search on my part is needed again."

Isabelle inhaled. Her nap had given back some agency again but it didn't fix weeks' worth of sleep deprivation. "I don't like it when you contradict me Magnus," she knew her tone was cutting. Too authoritative to be used against a friend.

Magnus inhaled, his face was closing up. He tried again : "This is not the first time a team goes missing-"

'No'

She shook her head. Her girlfriend, her parabatai was missing. This was nothing like the times before. "I'd like you not to tell me where to put my worries." She sounded aggressive and loud. She didn't want to make a scene but she couldn't help it. The worry was starting to devour her. It gripped to her heart, her rune, the idea something might have happened to Clary made her sick.

"I am not going to let my magic run dry again." Magnus clenched his jaw. His body language shifted from open to defensive. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. And Isabelle understood he was protecting himself with the carefully constructed wall he had created for himself ever since the tragedy. "No, I'm not making that mistake again."

A few months ago his voice would still waver, even sometimes break. But it didn't anymore. Isabelle didn't know if it was some sort of spell he had done or a potion he drank to help himself. Or if it just meant that he was starting to grieve in a different way.

"Don't ask, Isabelle, I won't do it." His cold gaze calmed her down instantly. She could see the glimmering gold of his cat eyes behind his glamour. She could still see his pain even if it was dulled. He stood strong despite his losses, their losses. Her pain wasn't gone. She could never imagine it being gone. Even Magnus' heart ached and he showed it when he thought nobody was looking.

"I'm sorry," she muttered. She took off her glasses and massaged her temples. She owed Magnus more than a simple apology. Clary going missing was indeed getting into her head.

"It's okay." She opened her eyes to Magnus' soothing voice. He had laid a hand on her upper arm. A gesture he didn't do so often anymore since Catarina had died. He massaged her muscle. She sighed. She was a leader, she should know better.

"Please check again as soon as you can," She said. There was so much strain in her voice. She put her glasses back on. Magnus squeezed her arm a last time before he let go.

"I will Isabelle, you can trust me on that," Magnus nodded. He looked tired.

"Maybe you should be the one taking a nap." She didn't force herself to smile because her little smirk came naturally. Magnus had been to one who had thoroughly insisted she took some rest earlier.

"Perhaps I shall." A few years ago Magnus would have quipped, made a joke and discarded his need for sleep with a gesture of hands and maybe a bit of magic. Not anymore.

They were all so broken.

She took a few step backwards to let Magnus move to the warlock quarters. She wondered if he wasn't too lonely there now that he was the only warlock here in the institute. Or almost. She glanced at Underhill. He was frantically typing away at his screen. On his shoulder, in his arms, was his sleeping daughter. Her purple dress was ruffled and only one foot had still a shoe on. Her hair was well groomed. Looks like her dad had chosen to give her butterfly hairpins this time.

She still looked so young.

Magnus had explained that warlocks didn't have control on their ageing process. But sometimes circumstances would bring this kind of process to the surface. He had theorized Madzie had probably unwillingly stopped her growth and her ageing. The end of the world was a terrifying place to grow up in. Especially if you had lost not one but two parents already.

"I found them." Isabelle froze at the announcement. Underhill took a step back from the screen and turned his screen around to show Raj. The red dot was flickering away on the map. People were gathering around him until he barked them to get to their stations.

It was a well-oiled machine, everyone focused their efforts. Isabelle didn't intervene. They didn't need directions or orders from her. Both Underhill and Raj knew how to do their jobs. She looked over their shoulders. They were moving away and into the direction of the institute. It was a transmission made from a car battery and radio. It wasn't completely certain if the dot was the missing taskforce. But there was nothing else out there anymore.

She exhaled. Underhill held the microphone to his mouth. "Team Hunter can you receive me ?" no response. He repeated the question. Nothing, just static. The tensions were high.

Isabelle was about to speak until the static faded and Lucian's crackling voice resonated over the intercom link : "Team Hunter here, we're being chased."

Isabelle bit her lip as Underhill asked for their status report. The static resonated into the room. "One injured," there was hesitation, a pause, "and one bitten."

Who is it ?

Underhill asked the question but no reply came. It took too long. There was nothing more. She could feel her feet guiding her to the station without her actively deciding so. She snatched the microphone from under Underhill's disapproving gaze.

"Lightwood speaking, who are the injured agents ?"

Silence, either deliberate or they were in a situation that prevented them to check in. She felt her heart suddenly straying. She clenched down her desire to threaten. She couldn't lose her cool. She couldn't give in to panic. She had to stay calm. But anxiety was bubbling up. Something was wrong.

"Agent Graymark, who are the injured agents ?" Her voice did sound composed. She bit the inside of her cheek. Dread was filling her, and she knew. When she focused on it she knew.

"Clary, it's Clary. My arm is broken but Clary has been bitten."

She froze. She inhaled, exhaled silently.

"I'm sending in back-up," she didn't let Lucian respond. Team Ranger was at the ready even before she had to send the order. They weren't far. The medical ward was already getting ready as the lights all over the institute flashed yellow, yellow… the colour for contaminated individual coming into the institute.

"Stay in contact," she gave away the microphone back to Underhill.

'Emotions were a war's downfall'. She repeated her mantra to herself, once, twice. She couldn't falter. Not now, not when everyone needed her leadership. She connected the map on the table. Her nails were already scratching the inside of her wrists raw. She tried to listen to the back-up operation but she only could hear white noise. The dots moved. The blue ones from the rescue team didn't come as fast as she would have wanted.

Clary had been bitten.

She kept back the need to hit something, there would be time for this later. Once she was alone, in the training room or outside during another patrol. She kept herself from activating her rune. There was no point, at the worst it would incapacitate her as well. There was no way Isabelle would let that happen. Nobody would choose what happens next but her. Nobody would choose what happens to Clary but her. Nobody gets to choose who dies today but her. And the institute needed a leader.

Magnus emerged from his quarters just as soon as the whole alarm was blaring throughout the institute. His eyes were unglamoured. He ran toward her, the question unspoken.

"Who is it ?" He asked, he didn't want to hear the answer. She could read it in his shoulders. It didn't look like he had slept at all. The team would be here at any moment.

"It's Clary," she kept her voice from breaking. Magnus inhaled, closing his eyes as if needing time to let the news sink in. That was the moment when the doors opened. There was a shout of 'Incoming' as Underhill took Madzie away. Most people cleared the room immediately. Only the very essential personnel would stay on site.

Isabelle felt her blood run cold at the scream. It was ear-splitting. She moved without thinking again, drawn to the pain. It was rushed, people moved and Isabelle had the feeling like she was walking through a fog. The doors to the medical ward opened. The doctors in charge were already strapping Clary down to a bed. Lucian was taken aside, his Iratze did finally seem to work now that they were back in the institute. But Isabelle only had eyes for Clary. Her hands were trembling. Her whole body was shaking even.

"You can't go in Isabelle," Magnus warned as she turned herself to run toward her girlfriend. "You are too close to this." She knew, Isabelle was the best doctor around but she was too close. She couldn't do this, it wasn't safe and not only because any fuck up would reflect on her because Clary was her Parabatai, but also because she would blame herself. Nobody survived being bitten. Nobody ever did.

And Clary was not going to be an exception to the rule.

"Let me see my sister !" The scream made both Isabelle and Magnus jump in surprise. Lily Chen was trying in vain to keep the new intruder at bay as Clary in her blood soaked mess and missing arm was carried away to the medical ward. There were arguments, anger, Isabelle snapped out of her spiraling mind to run toward the commotion. Things were heated and it couldn't escalate. Not now. Not when she was going to die.

"Stop, Sebastian." Isabelle went to stand in front of him. Her hand extended to keep him from continuing his interference. She could see the shift of his eyes as they turned black. His whole body language became more erratic and dark. But it didn't scare her anymore. Sebastian was in control of his demon blood now. His last unwanted kill had been a long, long time ago. He still had been a Morgenstern then.

"You can't stop me from seeing my sister," he said forcefully. He was trying to keep in his temper. His jaw was so clenched Isabelle could see his the throbbing vein on his forehead.

"She's been bitten, Sebastian, you can't go in and you know it." Isabelle knew Sebastian respected her and her authority. But the look on his face was furious and his desperate gaze reminded her of how much her own heart was breaking. She couldn't falter, lest he break and disorient the others. She had to stay strong. Regardless of the pain, regardless of Clary's whimpering moans.

"Calm down and let me do my job, Whitelaw." Raphael never elevated his voice unless it was necessary. Everyone fell quiet when his forceful tone surpassed Sebastian's next protest. Magnus took a step forward to create another barrier between them and Clary's bed. He didn't want to look at her, so he kept back any commentary. Raphael readjusted his doctor's coat.

"You," He pointed his finger toward Raj who had gotten up from his station to restrain Clary's brother as well. "Come with me, I need a shadowhunter." Raj followed Raphael wordlessly and guided Clary into the ward. Raphael glanced at Sebastian one last time and Isabelle knew he was also directing his words toward her. "Don't get in my way." It wasn't spiteful or angry. It was a warning in good faith.

Sebastian's eyes turned back to normal. His whole body was one tense muscle and Isabelle felt the need to reassure him.

She didn't.

He hated being touched, he hated being comforted or to be confronted with his pain. The only person he had accepted comfort from had been Clary and maybe Helen. But she wasn't here today.

"We need to take the statement, get the mission report," she ordered. Sebastian needed to be kept busy. He needed to be involved but not too directly. He wouldn't accept to sit back and watch things unfold from afar. He needed answers as well. His face was hardening in resolve and he obeyed. Bat Velasquez was escorted to a station so Sebastian could take the mission's report.

Isabelle felt her eyes burn with tears. She wanted to go see Clary.

To destroy any of the hope that was still left, any hope Clary would still make it out alive.

Magnus could read it on her face but she turned away. Away from the medical ward. The alarm was only blaring softly. She grabbed onto the holopad she had left behind and took off her glasses. There were several reports being sent in to the LA institute and the one in Paris. A back up if this institute were to fall. The caller ID showed up. Isabelle opened the communication line.

Tessa Gray's face appeared, her blonde hair was tight and her face serious enough to make Isabelle worried for a second. She linked the call to the main table so Isabelle could follow up the call hands free. It was protocol. Before you knew it the institute could be overrun and the time to contact could lose precious seconds that could cost lives.

"Good evening Isabelle, will you be needing evacuation ?" She looked worried, but relief was immediately flooded her face as she noticed Magnus standing next to the head of the institute. Isabelle wondered when they had last talked together.

"Not yet." Isabelle made sure to look as professional as she could and keep her head cool. As if the crisis didn't involve her girlfriend. As if she wasn't going to break and her heart crack into million pieces.

"We will prepare the possibilities to cast portals in 3.05 minutes, our wards are faint but the walker activity has been minimal today. I will be able to keep the portal operational for the next few hours until the 'Yellow' alert is called off." Isabelle nodded. The escape route was planned out.

In case Clary didn't make it.

And in case they weren't able to stop her from attacking the others.

"Thank you, standby for further instructions." Tessa agreed with a nod of the head and signed off.

It took long, too long. She rested against the table. Magnus was close to her. He didn't talk. They were waiting for something. People were moving things around to facilitate the evacuation if it was needed. Things had been set in motion. Things would be fine. But they weren't. She gripped her stele through her robe.

Yesterday things hadn't looked so bleak, so bad, so wrong. Clary had laid out another patrolling plan. There were rumors about another stash of resources hidden at the southern west side of New York. She had prepared the teams, divided the tasks. She had made sure to give everyone enough break rotations and even had joked about celebrating Raj's birthday. She had made them laugh during dinner, helped Madzie with some stories in the library. She had hugged Isabelle to sleep, something they tried to do when they were both plagued by nightmares and grief. But now ? Now there was nothing.

Isabelle felt numb. The more the time passed, the more she looked upon the institute getting ready to fall. She was losing hope. She thought of Simon. He had died during the evacuation of the Melbourne institute. He had saved a group of mundanes who were starving and awaiting their deaths to just find out later one of them had been bitten and hidden it from the group. Where the others survived, Simon hadn't. They hadn't even had time to bury him.

Her heart ached.

She had lost so much. Was it even worth it ? The pain ? The desolation ? The despair ? What were they fighting for, really. She inhaled and it hurt. It hurt so much. She was falling apart and her head was heavy. Magnus looked at her and he understood even before she had to say anything. His face faltered. He wouldn't stop her. It was her choice to make. She couldn't take it. She had lost so much. Her brothers, her parents, her friends. Now her girl. She was about to lose her girl. She couldn't take it. She had stayed strong. She had stood in the face of adversity. Faced her fears; witnessed Alicante's downfall, the extermination of the werewolves, the vanishing of the demons, the deaths of the angels. There was nothing, nothing for her to stay head high if she was going to lose her girl. She couldn't take it. Not anymore. And if it didn't work, then there wouldn't be any world still worth living for. Everything was desolation and rubble. There was nothing left here in New York.

She lifted her arm. The iridescent sound of her stele resonated when she activated the rune.

Isabelle couldn't keep in the scream that overcame her lips. The pain, the headache, the strain. Her whole arm was vibrating as if every nerve ending had been abraded. Clary, Clary, Clary. There was nothing else as everything was slipping away in darkness and fear. There was pain so much pain. And Clary.

CLARY

She ran, not even aware she had been screaming the name of her girlfriend. The pull was so hard it made her almost fall over in desperation. She busted through the doors. Her throat was dry her ankle painful from how she had almost twisted it by running. But it didn't matter.

"Take the damper off," she commanded. She rushed toward the medical table. The blood was everywhere. On the table, the floor, the scent coated the walls. Magnus had ran after her.

"Isabelle…" Raphael tried, he had sutured Clary's arm. But it wasn't enough. Clary was dying. She trembled, climbed upon the bed, tore away at the cables and needles. They wouldn't help. They never did. They were useless. Clary needed her girlfriend, her parabatai. Nothing else. Nothing else because she might have been as good as dead.

"Take the damper off right now, Magnus." She knew she sounded desperate, like a raging beast.

She saw the sadness in his eyes, but she didn't care. Clary was still crying, still dying, whimpering. Isabelle clutched her girlfriend against her while pushing up her wrist toward Magnus where her parabatai rune laid. There was no choice. There was no other way. There was only this. There was only her and Clary. There was only her and her world, and her world was dying. It was the last resort, the last possible choice. Magnus' shoulders slumped. Clary sobbed and Isabelle felt her heart break. Magnus's wasn't crying but she could see him fight his inner battle. He finally took a hold of Isabelle's wrist.

He recited the enochian spell.

It burnt. She screamed as her rune was engulfed with heavenly fire. Magnus took a few step backwards, fled the room. She felt everything, the sickly virus clearing its path through her blood, running from her the collarbone to her mouth. The aching of muscles, the sweating, the fever. The pain. There was so much pain. Her whole body trembled and she felt her eyes burn as her throat constricted. Clary's heartbeat was faint, distant. She was still conscious. She felt everything.

It made her angry. So angry. But she couldn't leave her here. Not there in this medical ward. Not anywhere. All of her runes went a lit and even Clary's started to burn. The joined white scream of the true Nephilim's beastly nature crossed their lips. And Isabelle held onto Clary tightly, their heartbeats synced and everything was melting together as one. The whole world faded. Isabelle's last thought was hope, a hope for survival, a hope for redemption and salvation. A hope her and Clary's magic would stronger than her brothers'.

And if not ?

Then she would be setting the whole institute aflame.

Because a world without Clary wasn't a world at all.

The end

**End Note:**  
Let me know if you're interested in this AU and I might work on a few out of chronology related stories to it. Especially on a: "what if good decisions had been made".


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